I am lying here, staring at Amelia in her co-sleeper and the guilt creeps in. I wasn’t patient with her, I was too hard on her, I should have been better. These guilty feelings have me going into the boys rooms’ and giving them another cuddle goodnight. I was so impatient with them too. Why? Why can’t I get through a day without losing my cool?
My guilty feelings unravel me. It’s actually getting to my head. Am I a terrible mother? Screaming at babies that so many women yearn to have? Leaving my 7 month old to cry instead of consoling her, because I couldn’t stand the crying anymore? Yet, there’s so many women dying to be in my position.
I feel hurt, I feel ashamed, I feel, well, guilty. Guilty for not loving them enough today. Guilty for not even attempting to give them a proper meal (that they will refuse) and just giving frozen nuggets and yogurt right off the bat. Guilty for thinking Amelia was overreacting when she was crying before bedtime. She just wanted me. Just a cuddle. Was it so bad?
We constantly surrounded by noise during the day. The noise of our job, people, to-do lists and kids. The noise that consumes us and takes over our minds and turns us into impatient women with a burning desire for calm. Everything get’s too overwhelming – music that you liked before sounds like, well, noise. You need to shut off.
The bath-and-bed-routine comes to a close and you breath for the first time in a couple hours. You have your tea hot, you eat that hidden chocolate and you most probably fall asleep on the couch before your favorite series’ intro starts. You are not just physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted too. No one talks about that mental load, ey? The never ending thought process of stuff that needs to be done, hasn’t been done and worrying how you can get it done. It drains you.
You climb in bed and you stare at the ceiling. Guilt. You make promises and you promise you will be better tomorrow – yes, no monster-mama here! But we know that the odds are against us. Something is bound to happen. James might spill his juice all over the clean floors again, Jaxson might sit on his sister and she will cry, again. Amelia might be fussy and not settle before bedtime, again. And there you are, at the end of your thread. Again.
Life goes on and every day we can try be better. Some days we might even succeed? Other days, we won’t and that is not called failure. It’s normal. It’s what happens behind the pretty Instagram screen. NORMAL – and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. This funny thing called life is a journey for a reason – we live, we learn and we improve daily. Not every day is going to be a good day, and that’s absolutely okay. You doing your best mama, and that is enough.